"Baby, I need some lovin'....."
I talked crap @ 10:16 p.m. on Monday, Mar. 29, 2004
i know i've added a lot of entrys today, but i guess i just have a lot to say so shut it! :-p
...anytime i show interest in someone back they pretty much stop all comunication and almost force me to look desperate...
WHY?!
And i don't want to look desperate, bcuz i feel stupid. then i feel like i'm annoying them. then i fear they'll start to think i'm really a child (even if i'm just 17).
Mabye I'm just insecure. Well actually, Lol, I KNOW i'm insecure. But i don't know how to stop that. I don't know how to make it better. I see my friends w/ their bestfriends, or I hear about them all the time. And everyyime I do, I feel this hole in my stomach get a lil bigger. I know i shouldn't care, and in ways i don't. But I just guess I'm tired of eating lunch at skool by myself. I'm tired of haveing no one wait for me at my locker. I'm tired of haveing to walk by myself to each class. I'm tired of always being the one to ask to do stuff, or hang out, and either be turned down bcuz their doin' something else, or they have homework or whatever. I tired of feeling like i'm not loved by anyone but my family.
I want a boyfriend again. I really miss that security and love that gave me and made me feel. For a few months of my last relationship, it was the greatest of all the world. I was on top of the world! Flying high, not a single care in the world. But that was short lived due to a very self-centered and ungrateful boyfriend.
I don't even know this one guy i was guna meet, and by his away messages and live journal there are hints that he likes someone, and i feel jealous! WHY?! I have no need to! I don't know him, we talked on the phone a few times, we were guna meet, but he flaked. And now I read all this stuff about another girl he obiviously likes and i feel jealous!? Ergh! WHY!? I HATE IT! It's not fair to me! not fair to him! although i'm not planning on him finding out, bcuz then he may really think i'm obsessed or something, and i'm not. Not at all. I promise. :(
I don't know why I've been feeling so down lately. I'm confused. I just need someone to hold me, and tell me everything's guna be okay. I just need a hug. I need to feel love. From a friend, or someone my age.